The most stressful exam

Salam to all my dearie family members and friends. May all of you be showered with abundant blessing, happiness, and love. Amin Ya Rabb..

Last August, I had the most stressful exam in my entire life which was PhD Qualifying Exam (Quals). If you haven't gone through this, you have absolutely no idea how difficult it really is. That is the reason most people from abroad avoid to pursue their PhD degree in USA. They prefer UK or Australia because there were no exams to be taken. All you have to do is just focus on your project/ thesis/ research directly and you're done.

Unfortunately, I failed my Qualifying exam. People, I tell you.... it was TOUGH.  I felt like the most stupid, idiotic, worthless piece of crap. EVER. I was devastated. I cried, I felt like I did not want to show my face around my classmates and professors. I was a failure and that's all they would remember about me. Utter failure. I hid this bad news from my family and friends in Malaysia (sorry mak.. I lied to you). I was so embarrassed and stressed.

I realized that there were things, knowledge I lacked. Specifically the parts of constructing ideas in order to prove a statement/lemma/theorem and analyzing a problem scientifically,  such as in terms of rate of convergence and approximation. I don't have these skills. It's like when you play a jigsaw puzzle. You need to know the color and design for each pieces and be able to put all of these different pieces of the puzzle together. The problem is, sometimes, some pieces went missing, so in the end you can't finish the game.

I guess, undergrad program is supposed to prepare you for that. Because, all students from China did very well, as they learned all about that during their undergrad. I can honestly say that I went through my undergrad experience without paying attention to that. All I was focused on was getting the highest grade possible. I could go around blaming people for the things I didn't learn in undergrad, or how it seems like the system failed to prepare me for grad school in USA. Ultimately, situations like failing your quals bring you back to the reality that you are in GRAD SCHOOL. You are here because you have the capacity to teach yourself, and then apply those concept to help solve world problems (I hope).

I had a chance to repeat the paper. Sadly I had to face another five months in stress to make sure I pass. At the same time, I had to enroll three subjects for fall semester. It's not easy. I split my time into two; studied for the current subjects during the day (assignments, homework, test, etc.) and prepared for Quals at nights. I did this constantly everyday, almost nonstop. The worst part was I didn't spend too much time with my kid and husband. But, Alhamdulillah..  Allah is the Greatest!  I got 100% on the second test of "Approximation Theory" and GPA 4.00 for this semester. Indeed, success can only come from Allah.

But, these are invaluable if you fail your Quals. I kept my head down focusing on Quals days and nights. It was the hardest, most insufferable thing I've ever had to do. I have to hold my breath for three weeks which means I get to spend the whole winter break dreading sleep for fear of having to worry about the future as I lay there. I've always had rather serious physical manifestations of stress and this exhausting, three-week marathon of self-doubt and worry really tooks its toll. I'm beat. 

Last week, I took the paper for the second time. There were four subjects to be tested and they  were divided into two big major subjects. One is Analysis and the other is Computational Mathematics.To pass this exam, I have to earn 70% and above and they will take into account for numbers of questions that I can  fully answered. If I pass, I'm officially a doctoral candidate. If I fail, I bow out with a Masters of Applied and Computational Mathematics. But, I've already have my Master. I don't need double Master.

Now, I'm nervous and freaking out!! The only thing I need to do is doa, tawakal. Leave the rest to Allah because He knows everything. Whatever the result is, I make doa to Allah so that I can accept it with happiness.

So people out there, especially for those who want to pursue your PhD in USA, do not feel discouraged by my story. Perhaps you could do better than me. My advice, be ready organizationally, mentally and physically and you'll be in good state. In Shaa Allah.

Till then.